


this universe holds many words - ours are eternal

by RosieTarnation



Category: Dickinson (TV)
Genre: Blood, F/F, Minor Violence, Miscarriage, The violence is unrelated
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-11-16
Updated: 2019-11-18
Packaged: 2021-01-31 13:29:39
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 5
Words: 14,029
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21446980
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/RosieTarnation/pseuds/RosieTarnation
Summary: Emily's a poet.  Sue's married.  Sue flew off an a hot air balloon with her new husband and now she and Emily are a whole world away from each other.And then, Sue comes home.
Relationships: Emily Dickinson/Susan "Sue" Gilbert
Comments: 56
Kudos: 340





	1. I won't let go of you

**Author's Note:**

> Fic title and chapter titles taken from "2 Million" by G Flip, that song that plays at the end of episode 10.

The first week with Sue and Austin gone was easier than Emily thought it would be. At times she'd been dreading it - especially now with Ben gone, Sue was the only one she could talk to. But could she? She didn't even go to her wedding, and from what she heard from her family, Austin told them that she chose that.  
  
She didn't care what her family thought. In fact, she actively was trying not to think about her family - the way her mother was in quite the state the day of the wedding, the way her father showed up unannounced like nothing had changed. The way Austin sounded just like her father when he was berating her in the conservatory.  
  
Lavinia was fine, though.  
  
And Emily was a poet.  
  
So she spent that first week avoiding conversation on the topic of Sue and Austin. She hadn't written to them and Sue hadn't written to her. She was sure Austin hadn't written anything for her in his letter to the family.  
  
And time went on. She wrote poems at a blistering pace, both nearly crushed by the weight of everything going on but also unburdened by it. Sue had married Austin, that wasn't something that could be undone or dreaded anymore. It had happened. Ben di-. Ben was gone, too. Her relationship with Death was on the rocks, too.  
  
But she had her conservatory and her desk and her pen and paper. She had her books of her own poetry. She was a Poet.  
  
Among other things, she was a poet who missed the person she loved most in the world. She wrote a letter to Sue in that first week and didn't expect a response. It was short and simple - "I'm sorry I missed your wedding, my dear Sue. I am not a whole world away."   
  
She didn't send it herself for fear that Austin would stop it before Sue got it. Maggie let her include it in a letter she wrote to Sue, which was an offer to pick things up for their house when Maggie was in town shopping for the Dickinsons.  
  
Then, a couple weeks after her leaving, Emily got a letter from Sue.  
  
She ran upstairs as soon as Maggie handed it to her, gently and quietly in the corner as soon as Emily came downstairs for lunch.  
  
She shut her door but didn't lock it. She did sit against it, though, curled up on the floor with this paper covered in Sue's glorious handwriting. This letter that was so recently in Sue's hands was now in her own.   
  
Emily read and reread the letter. It was short and direct - Sue wrote that she noticed Emily's absence in the letters from the family and wanted to see that she was alright.  
  
Emily scrambled to her feet and scurried to her desk, quickly setting up to write a response, anything to explain her absence from the wedding and the letters.  
  
She came up empty, though. She'd written to Sue hundreds of times before and she was never at a loss for words. This was different, though.  
  
Sue was married. Sue was married to Austin. Emily could guess that he read the letter and that he would read the reply. Emily knew Sue well enough to see the omissions in her writing - things she didn't say, words she didn't use, words that fabricated distance between them beyond the miles between Amherst and Boston, where they'd been when Sue sent the letter.  
  
She ignored the little pang in her chest and set about writing. She pushed the image of Sue out of her mind, the image of her floating to the skies on that hot air balloon, with her new family. She was happy for Sue, she was happy she had found the stability she craved, that she was going to have the family she wanted. The family that Emily told her she'd be there for any way she could.  
  
She finished her letter - a quick response succinctly detailing that she'd been mostly writing for the past weeks, with a marked mentioned of her newly constructed books of poetry just for Austin's prying eyes.  
  
She signed her name and almost put her pen down, almost. There was more to say, there was so much she wanted to say to Sue. But she felt herself growing more and more accustomed to the compromise - this was Sue's life now. And Emily meant it when she said she had a way to be walking down that aisle with her, and she meant it that she would find a way to be with her through all of it. But she couldn't openly blame Austin for her absence. He was going to read the letter and if Emily wasn't there for him to yell it, she worried he'd yell at Sue.  
  
She saw, now that she looked back on it with clearer eyes, how her father's behavior broke her mother down over the years. She would not let that happen to Sue.  
  
She went to her bookshelf and found a flower she'd pressed. It was like one of the flowers she'd put in Sue's bouquet. She hadn't realized she'd been saving it, but of course she had been.  
  
She put it in the envelope and sealed it.

She took herself to the post office the next day, not so much out of precaution but out of a desire to step outside the house, to get some fresh air.  
  
She handed her letter to the post master and was about to leave when he called for her to stop.  
  
She had another letter.  
  
She didn't dare look at it until she was outside, but when she did, she saw it was from Sue. She could feel that it was thicker than the one from the previous day.  
  
She sat under the nearest tree and carefully tore it open. It was long, written without inhibition and likely without Austin's knowledge.  
  
It was perfect.   
  
They were both tiptoeing around their feelings, their relationship, the future. Sue wrote plainly, though - she loved Emily. She missed her. She wanted to see her.

  
  


* * *

* * *

  
A few days later, Emily had come home with the second such letter. She stepped inside, rushing toward the stairs so quickly she nearly missed the guests in the sitting room.  
  
Nearly.  
  
"Emily, slow down, for heaven's sake," her mother said. "Didn't you see your brother is home?"  
  
"Well, not technically," Austin said, standing and turning to face the door. "We do live next door."  
  
Emily heard him and she saw him when she came back down the stairs and stood in the doorway, shocked, but he certainly wasn't her focus.  
  
Sue was back.  
  
"You're back," Emily said, looking only at Sue. She couldn't stop the smile from spreading on her face.  
  
"Father wanted me to come get to work at the law practice," Austin explained. "And Sue was growing weary of travel."  
  
Emily cocked an eyebrow at her. "Oh? Are you alright?"  
  
"Just tired," Sue said pointedly. "And eager to see the new house."  
  
Austin looped his arm under hers, smiling proudly. "Speaking of. Thanks for the tea, Mother, but I'm going to take my bride back home."  
  
"You're coming for dinner, right?"  
  
"Sure," Austin said, already grabbing his hat.  
  
"Sue, do you want to help make dinner? You can show me what you learned from _T__he Frugal Housewife_!"  
  
"Mother, she just got back," Emily said.  
  
"Austin's going to the office today," Mrs. Dickinson repleid.  
  
"Really?" Emily asked, looking over at him.  
  
"Father really wants me to get a running start," Austin said. "He intends to run for Congress again next year and he's still without a decent law clerk."  
  
"I'd love to help with dinner, Mrs. Dickinson," Sue offered, sensing a change of subject might be appreciated.  
  
"Then that's settled," Mrs. Dickinson said. "Sue, we'll see you later."  
  
The newlyweds left, leaving Mrs. Dickinson, Lavinia, and Emily standing in the drawing room.  
  
"They seem happy," Lavinia said.  
  
"Does Sue look...different?"  
  
"Different how, Mother?" Lavinia asked.  
  
"That's an awfully large house for only two people, is all I'm saying."  
  
"Mother, they've only been married for a month," Emily jumped in.  
  
"A lot can happen in a month, girls," Mrs. Dickinson said, standing up straighter and setting herself to leave the room. "You'll see one day."  
  
Emily and Lavinia exchanged a frowning look.  
  
"Ew."  
  
"Gross, Mom."

* * *

Emily knocked on the door next door. She'd never actually been in the house. When it was finished while Sue and Austin were away, only her father had been inside to inspect it.  
  
Sue answered the door.  
  
"Emily," she said. "Hello."  
  
Their encounter before had been so brief, Emily hadn't had much time to take in the sight of her. She looked exactly the same. She looked drastically different. She looked older, somehow. More tired. More wise. More settled, more content.  
  
Mrs. Dickinson was right, too. She did look _different_. It was slight, so that only someone looking for it could maybe see a hint of it. But it was there.  
  
It took Emily aback a bit, taking in the sight of Sue after so long apart. They'd spent longer apart, of course, but this was...there were a lot of changes.  
  
"Hi," Emily said, smiling. She could tell Sue was doing the same to her - inspecting her, seeing what had changed and what hadn't. Emily felt older, too. Maybe more tired, but that's only because she spent her nights writing. She felt wiser, if only because she was damn sure of herself as a poet. She felt settled - dare she say, content?  
  
"Maggie made bread, she wanted me to bring some over."  
  
Sue grinned and took the basket, stepping aside so Emily could enter her home.  
  
"How is it?" Emily asked later, sitting with Sue in her kitchen. It was strange, they'd never been in a kitchen when everything was entirely still. The counters weren't yet flour-dusted, the hearth wasn't yet glowing with the fire, it just smelled like new paint and freshly cut wood. It was like a whole new world. "Being married?"  
  
Sue inhaled sharply. "It's...nice."  
  
"Nice?" Emily asked, cocking an eyebrow, leaning forward on the table, and inviting Sue to say what she meant.  
  
"Nice," Sue repeated, nodding. "It was exhausting, though, travelling and seeing the family and Austin's colleagues."  
  
"He's really at the office today?"  
  
"Where else would he be?"  
  
Emily shrugged. She didn't want to talk about Austin. "I don't want to talk about Austin."  
  
"Okay," Sue said, hands up. She didn't know exactly what happened the day of the wedding, but it could wait. She had a feeling she wouldn't like the answer.  
  
"One last thing, though, on the subject," Emily said.  
  
Sue laughed a bit, eating a bit of bread. "Okay."  
  
"I understand it, marrying him," Emily said. Sue's eyebrows went up at that. "I get the security and the stability and all of it. But also...the rest of it."  
  
"The rest of it?"  
  
"When Ben was here, right before he left, I asked him to not marry me."  
  
"...Right," Sue nodded slowly.  
  
"It was our version of this," Emily explained, speaking just as passionately as she had that day waiting for the eclipse. "Marriage still is not something I want with some man but it isn't something he wanted, either. Us not asking to not be married, it worked for us. That's what I would've done with him. That would've been my this."  
  
Sue nodded again, but this time she understood. "I'm sorry you didn't get the chance."  
  
Emily smiled softly. She didn't talk about Ben to anyone but Sue, she was the only one who understood. And now Emily understood what it was that Sue understood.  
  
"I just wanted you to know, I get it," Emily said. "And I'm happy you're happy."  
  
"I'm happy to be back in Amherst," Sue said. "I really was sick of hotels and carriages and all of it."  
  
"Maybe you were just sick of Austin," Emily cracked, half under her breath. Sue gave her a look, but it wasn't too stern. "Sorry."  
  
"It's tiring," Sue said. "Especially now."  
  
"My mother is on to you about that, by the way," Emily said, reaching for another piece of bread.  
  
"Really?"  
  
"Yeah. I think I threw her off, though," Emily said. "When are you going to tell everyone, though?"  
  
"Uhm," Sue began. "I don't know."  
  
"I'm surprised Austin didn't say it as he walked through the front door."  
  
"I haven't told him."  
  
"What?" Emily asked, half-chewed bread almost falling out of her mouth. "Why not?"  
  
"It's...big."  
  
"Yeah. And only getting bigger. He's not that stupid, he's going to figure it out."  
  
"The last I spoke to him about it, I said I didn't want kids. It's complicated."

"Why did you say that?"

"Because I didn't think I did," Sue said. "I was scared of what happened to my mother."

"That won't happen to you," Emily said, leaning forward and touching her hand on the table.

Sue smiled appreciatively. "I've been thinking about it. I do want it, even though I am still scared. I'm really scared, Emily."

Emily nodded. She didn't know what to say, she just wanted Sue to talk through it.

"Not of dying," Sue said. "Not just of that, anyway. Of all of it. This is a person I have to take care of, forever. It's exciting and it's family and it's...scary."

"You'll be an excellent mother, Sue. And you're not alone. You'll have me, the best aunt ever." Her smile wavered just the slightest bit as she said the next bit and she could've sworn Sue's did, too. "And Austin."

"I will tell him soon."  
  
"Soon, when? You've known for a month."  
  
"Soon, Emily."  
  
Emily nodded, eating bread in silence for a few moments. She could see this worked Sue up a bit.  
  
"Why haven't you told him yet?"  
  
"Emily..."  
  
"I thought you would've, is all," Emily said. "While you were away. It was just you two, you would've been able to keep it to yourselves."  
  
"I like it like this," Sue said quickly. "I like only us knowing. The second I tell him, it becomes his."  
  
"Pretty sure it's already his."  
  
Sue glared at her. "I tell him, and he tells your family, and it becomes everyone's. It's his and your mother's and your father's and right now it's mine. It's ours-." She cut herself off, but not so soon that the word didn't come out. "It's our secret."  
  
"Okay," Emily said, not quite expecting to hear this but recognizing it as something she liked, as something she wanted. "Our secret." She stood up, like she was proud of this. "You look beautiful, by the way."  
  
Sue laughed, rolling her eyes a bit. "Thanks."  
  
"And I take my role here very seriously," Emily said. "As an aunt. I've been brainstorming and I've got all sorts of ideas."  
  
"Like?" Sue asked, leaning back against the counter, smiling.  
  
She was standing near the window. The slant of light coming through, shining on Sue in all her glory, nearly took Emily's breath away.  
  
"Emily?" Sue asked. "I'm waiting to hear how you're going to spoil this child."  
  
"Right," Emily said, shaking her head a bit. "Alright, you know how I like to give you letters in baskets out the window?"  
  
"No." She wasn't answering the question.  
  
"You didn't even hear it!"  
  
"You're not putting a baby in a basket and hanging it out the window."  
  
"It wouldn't be hanging! It'd be a controlled drop. Stairs are really dangerous, you know."  
  
"Do you have any other ideas?" Sue asked, grinning.  
  
"I was looking through old books and found ones I think the baby will love."  
  
"Oh really?"  
  
"Yes," Emily said. "My poems, of course, and yours, but also others."  
  
"You are going to be really good at this." Sue meant it.

* * *

"Where did all this furniture come from?" Emily asked.  
  
Sue was giving her a tour of the house. "We ordered most of it in Boston and had it shipped here. You didn't notice people coming in with furniture?"  
  
Emily shrugged. "I was writing."  
  
Sue laughed a bit, shaking her head.  
  
"And this is my and Austin's room," Sue said, nodding toward a door but walking past it. "And this is a guest room."  
  
"That's nice," Emily said, stepping in.  
  
"What? The room?"  
  
"Yeah," Emily nodded. "Nice bed, nice desk, nice bookshelves."  
  
"It's a pretty standard room, Emily."  
  
"No, I know. I just...you have a house, Sue."  
  
"Lots of people have a house."  
  
"Did you think you would?" Emily asked. "I can't imagine having my own house."  
  
"I don't know," Sue shrugged. "I can now, that's what matters." She sat on the bed.  
  
"Are you alright?"  
  
"Just tired."  
  
"I can leave," Emily said. "You've been travelling all day and entertaining and you still have to cook dinner. I'll go."  
  
"No," Sue said. "Sit with me."  
  
Emily did so.  
  
"Did you pick the colors?" she asked, looking at the wall.  
  
"Did you get my letters?"  
  
"Yes," Emily admitted. "I tried to reply, but didn't know how to do it so Austin wouldn't see it."  
  
Sue nodded. "Austin's not here."  
  
Emily squinted a bit at her. "No, he's not."  
  
"I really missed you, Emily." Sue took her hand and Emily held it, sitting side by side on the guest bed in Sue and Austin's house.  
  
"I missed you, too."  
  
"I love you, Emily," Sue said. "I know I married Austin, I know I'm living next door and doing all of this but...I love you. I meant it, that I don't want any of this without you."  
  
"I'm not going anywhere," Emily said, putting her head on Sue's shoulder.  
  
"I thought you wanted to get out of your father's house?"  
  
"Yeah, and look how that went," Emily said, surprised she felt okay enough to start speaking lightly about it. It didn't feel wrong, though. She took a deep breath. "I'm a poet. I can do that anywhere, even in my father's house. Maybe especially in my father's house."  
  
Sue was gently playing with Emily's hand, tickling her palm with her fingertips.  
  
"I want to be here," Emily said. "For you. For this. I meant it, too. 'Sue - forevermore.'"  
  
Sue lifted her head from where it was resting in Emily's and looked at her. "Did you just quote yourself?"  
  
"I did. I'm trying it out. Too pretentious?" Emily asked, looking back at her.  
  
"Not at all," Sue said. She turned so she was more facing Emily. "I never got the chance to tell you how beautiful I found that poem to be."  
  
"I hope it conveyed how incredible I find the subject to be."  
  
Sue leaned in quickly, holding Emily's face in her hand as she guided their lips to meet.  
  
"Sue-," Emily said quickly, cutting herself off by kissing her back. She put her hands on Sue's back, pulling her closer and closing the gap between them.   
  
Sue pulled her back, lying down on the bed. Emily was on top of her and she finally pulled back enough to speak.  
  
"Sue," she said, catching her breath. "Are you sure?"  
  
"Yes." Sue pulled her back down.  
  
"I don't want to hurt you," Emily said, finding a moment after kissing Sue back.  
  
"You won't. Promise."  
  
Emily nodded. "Promise."  
  
She let herself lie forward, one hand on Sue and the other supporting her so she wasn't lying entirely on top of her.  
  
She kissed Sue's lips, her cheek, her neck. She found herself loosening her dress, kissing her chest, moving further down and further down until she certainly wasn't just kissing anymore.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I don’t write sex scenes but Sue has Big Top Energy, you can not change my mind.


	2. maybe one day I'll give a ring to you

It was strange. Sue and Austin had only been back for a week, but they were all surprised by how quickly they fell into a routine.  
  
Austin was working full-time at his father's office and coming home later and later. He was working himself ragged, but Mr. Dickinson at least seemed proud of him. And, Austin seemed proud of himself.  
  
"I know I didn't exactly love school," he had told Sue over dinner one night. "But I like what I'm doing. I can be good at it, taking over for my father."  
  
Sue took to homemaking - the once pristine kitchen now felt certainly more lived in. Sue had always been a decent cook and, to be frank, she enjoyed doing it for herself, without the lady of the house standing over her shoulder and judging her.  
  
"It's better than I thought it'd be," she told Emily over lunch one day, eaten by the windows of that very kitchen. "I've been training to run my own household for my entire life and, I don't know. There's a lot of freedom in it. It's nice."  
  
Emily was still writing. She was finding excuses to visit Sue, but everyone had come to recognize the routine - she'd spent at least part of every day at Sue's house. It was always during the day, it was always with a good reason - "She doesn't know where we get water yet!" "She has a whole house to take care of, I thought I could help!" - and it always happened.  
  
She didn't know how much Austin knew. She didn't see him.  
  
One day, Sue took her outside.  
  
"I think this is my favorite tree," Sue said. "I can see it from my bedroom, when I get ready in the morning."  
  
"It's a good tree," Emily said, looking it up and down. It was, in fact, a good tree. She touched the trunk for good measure.  
  
"I got you a gift while we were away."  
  
"Really?" Emily asked, smiling.  
  
Sue nodded, setting down the basket she was carrying and sitting under the tree. Emily sat beside her.  
  
Sue pulled a small bundle from the basket and as Emily opened it, Sue took out the other contents - pens, ink, paper, lap desks.  
  
"It's a locket."  
  
"It is," Sue said. "We went to an antique shop in Boston, it made me think of you."  
  
"I love it," Emily smiled. She turned a bit, so her back was the Sue and she could help her got the locket on. "Can you?"  
  
"Yeah," Sue grinned, taking it and purposefully letting her fingers linger on Emily.  
  
Emily held the locket in the hand. She felt the raised engraving on the front - a bumblebee leaving a flower. Or coming to a flower.  
  
"Thank you, Sue."  
  
Sue let the chain go and quickly kissed the back off Emily's neck, eliciting a small yelp.  
  
Emily turned back to face her, grinning and seeing Sue return the gesture.  
  
"I'm going to wear it forever," she said.  
  
"It looks good on you."  
  
They settled in and got comfortable. They had planned on sitting there for the afternoon, enjoying the sunshine, the slight breeze as the weather was just starting to cool, the hum of birds and bees and bugs.  
  
It was a productive day. They'd both written several poems, and then they read them to each other. They still were each other's biggest fans and best critics.

* * *

That night, Sue and Austin went to the Dickinson house for dinner.  
  
"This is really good, Mrs. Dickinson," Sue said. "Thank you for having us over."  
  
"Yes, Mother, thank you," Austin said. He leaned back in his chair. "It's weird, still, being here and not living here. It's weird being a guest here."  
  
Sue nodded along. "I hope I can make our house as welcoming to guests as you've made this home."  
  
"Do you intend to have guests soon?" Mrs. Dickinson asked.  
  
Sue and Austin exchanged a look.  
  
"No," Austin said, shrugging a bit. "Not while I'm still getting settled into work and Sue is getting settled into the house. I think we'll enjoy having it to ourselves for a little while." He gave Sue a bit of a nudge and a wink, and she smiled back.  
  
"Not all to yourselves for too long," Mrs. Dickinson said. "There's a great many rooms in that house that shouldn't go empty..."  
  
"Now, Mrs. Dickinson," Mr. Dickinson said, cutting her off.  
  
"Thank you, father," Austin said. "We love the house, don't get me wrong. It's perfect for the two of us." He smiled at Sue again, a supportive gesture that she returned, remembering their conversation in just the next room approximately three months prior. She remembered what they did after that conversation, too, and almost appreciated that irony of how it led to her current predicament.  
  
She smiled back at Austin. He had her back on this.  
  
"They'll have sons when they're good and ready," Mr. Dickinson continued. "And continue the family name, like they're meant to."

Austin's smile fell, and Sue's did, too.

"Well," Lavinia cut in. "This hardly seems like dinner conversation. Sue, did you see the painting I made in class? I left it on the porch to finish drying."  
  
"I did, actually. It looks beautiful, Lavinia," Sue said, grateful for the diversion.

* * *

"I'm sorry about my father earlier," Austin said as he walked with Sue, arm in arm, home from dinner.  
  
"Don't be," Sue said. "It's not your fault."  
  
"I think he'll ease up after a while," Austin said. "And maybe, you know, one day I could tell him that kids aren't for us. I'll tell him and he'll stop asking and my mother will stop giving you those pamphlets on how to get pregnant."  
  
"You found those?!"  
  
He nodded, laughing. "I'm surprised she let herself read them. They're terribly impolite," he said, putting on an exaggerated high society accent.  
  
"She's just excited," Sue said. "Her only son got married."  
  
"Yeah, I got married," Austin said. "To the woman I love. I don't need anything more than that."  
  
"But you can want more than that," Sue said, slowing a bit. "Not for the Dickinson family name, not for your parents, but for you."  
  
Austin slowed, too, to a stop. "Do you want that?"  
  
"I think so."

* * *

Emily and Sue found themselves lying in the guest bed the next day.   
  
They had just been lying there, enjoying the silence and the company. feeling the slight early autumn breeze come through the window. They could sit like that for hours, given the chance.  
  
"Why didn't you come to the wedding?" Sue asked, still playing with Emily's hair in her fingertips.  
  
Emily looked up at her from where she was lying, with her head on Sue's chest.  
  
Sue was married to Austin, she kept reminding herself, and that was forever. Emily was starting to see how Austin was changing, how he had already changed. But she didn't want to rush that realization on Sue - Emily knew how painful it was.   
  
"What did Austin say that reason was?"  
  
"That you were in one of your moods."  
  
Emily couldn't fight the scowl reflex entirely. "Yeah, it was that," she lied.  
  
"Don't lie."  
  
Emily looked at her, taking in the view of Sue upside down.  
  
She sighed.  
  
"He said I made you cry, that I ruined your dress. He said I ruined your day."  
  
"You didn't," Sue said. "It was the poem, that made me cry."  
  
"Sue I never wanted to make you cry-."  
  
"I know," Sue said. "So, what happened?"  
  
"He uninvited me and locked me in my room,” Emily admitted.  
  
"What?!"

* * *

"Sue, I'm home," Austin said as he walked in the front door. "God, that's nice to say." He heard her walking towards him. "How was your day-?"  
  
"Did you lock Emily in her room before the wedding?"  
  
"Our wedding?"  
  
Sue was very clearly not in the mood for games.  
  
"Yes," Austin said quickly.   
  
"Why?!"  
  
"Because she's a disturbance! She is disturbed. She got your dress all muddy before the ceremony-."  
  
"I got my dress all muddy."  
  
"And she would've ruined the wedding."  
  
"She's your sister! And my best friend. She should've been there."  
  
"It was our day, Sue. Not hers. It was about you and me."  
  
"Do you think no one noticed she was in her room? You did that! You made it about her!"  
  
"It was _my_ day with you." Austin sounded like an indignant child and they both heard it. He stood up a bit straighter, trying to assert himself.  
  
"I am not property you think you need to steal from your sister!"  
  
"No, you are my wife. You're living in my house-."  
  
"Our house!"  
  
"And this is _our_ life," Austin said. "Sue, why does it matter? The wedding was great. We did it, we're married."  
  
"You started out married life by locking your sister in her room. We started this without our whole family. Austin, I would've given anything for my actual sisters to be there, even just one of them, and you locked yours upstairs."  
  
"I'm sorry," Austin said, getting Sue to soften the slightest bit. "But it was the right thing to do."  
  
Anything resembling forgiveness that Sue had shown him was gone.  
  
"It wasn't!" she yelled.  
  
"It doesn't matter now, we're married. We did it, it's done," Austin said, going to move past her but she held her ground.  
  
"Austin-."  
  
"Sue, I love you, but you don't get it," he said, standing right in front of her and looking her dead in the eyes. "I'm sorry you lost your family but I know how to handle mine. No one is going to marry Emily and I guess Lavinia is never going to marry. We are the Dickinsons, you and me. We're the ones to uphold the family name, the family reputation."  
  
"We do not have to do that the way your parents did," Sue said. "You are not your father."  
  
"My father is a great man."  
  
There was something incredibly sad in the way Austin said that, and they both heard it. He said it with such conviction, but also with such force. He had forced himself to say it. If he were younger, if it had been a year prior, two months prior, he would've said it without hesitation.  
  
But he'd been working with his father every day. He'd been rethinking everything he learned from him about how to be a husband and how to be the man of the house. He was coming to terms with that fact that maybe he didn't like what he saw in his father, but he wouldn't admit it until he was sure. He was torn between his father, the man who raised him, and Sue, the woman who chose him, who he loved.  
  
"You are not your father," Sue said, finding the line between conveying how angry she still was and how supportive she was of Austin.  
  
She saw him coming home later and later. She saw how his edges were fraying, how he talked about work with an annoyance that was growing into hatred, how he slumped around his father under all the pressure put on him.  
  
She had hope for him. She did like him as a person. She cared about him, she appreciated him, she wanted him to be happy. But he wasn't happy with much of his life.  
  
"So stop acting like it," she finished. She stepped back. "I made you a plate. Do not sleep in our bed tonight."  
  
Austin nodded, inhaling deeply.

* * *

Austin made sure he was up before Sue the next morning. She came downstairs to make breakfast, and he was already there.  
  
"I'm sorry," he said. "I'm sorry we fought. I'm sorry for what I did to Emily."  
  
"Have you apologized to her?" Sue asked.  
  
"I will."  
  
"You made breakfast?"  
  
"I tried," Austin laughed a bit.   
  
"It looks good," Sue said. "Thank you."  
  
"I love you."  
  
"I love you, too." She sat down and sipped from the mug on the table.  
  
"I think we should have a baby."  
  
Sue almost choked on her tea. "What?"  
  
"You said the other day, you were thinking about it."  
  
"What makes you say this now?" She knew she should tell him, she knew this was the most perfect an opportunity she was going to get.  
  
But somehow, she couldn't. She didn't want to share it with him, not like this. She didn't look at him the same way.  
  
"It's a good time," Austin said. "We have a house, I'm establishing myself at the office."  
  
"You want a baby now?"  
  
"Yeah," Austin said, but Sue could read him. He didn't mean it, not entirely.  
  
He'd been spending more and more time at the office, working nearly twelve hour days with his father and men just like him.   
  
Sue was starting to see it rub off.  
  
"You should get ready for work," she said. "I'll clean this up."  
  
Austin looked like he might argue, like he might press it further, but he didn't. Sue felt relieved. 


	3. maybe one day I'll call you my own

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I've updated the tags on this story with trigger warnings. They aren't applicable to this chapter, but they will be applicable to the next two chapters. I'm sorry they weren't up earlier; I wasn't totally sure this is where I was going to take this story. But it is going in that direction and it will get quite dark, so please read the tags and take care of yourself! And if you read this story at all, I am very grateful and if you need to stop, that is of course fine! Safe reading, everybody!

Later that day, it rained. They wanted to do some more writing, but they couldn't sit outside. The weather created more chores around the house, too - rushing to bring in hanging laundry, making sure there weren't any leaks in the new roof, keeping doorways and hallways clean and dry, keeping the fire going in the hearth with such wet weather.  
  
Emily spent the morning at her own house, helping out. Her mother had made a comment a few days prior about Emily being capable enough to help Sue with her chores but not the chores at home, so Emily decided she needed to pitch in more.  
  
She spent the afternoon, though, with Sue.  
  
She arrived and was surprised to see everything mostly done.  
  
"Whoa," she said as she walked through the house and found Sue. "You got everything done already?"  
  
"Almost," she said, chopping vegetables with a bit more force than probably necessary. "I'm just setting up for dinner now, but once it's started I can leave it alone."  
  
"You're chopping those potatoes like they owe you money, Sue."  
  
Sue glanced up at her. "I had a fight with Austin last night.”  
  
"About what?"  
  
Sue again gave her a bit of a look.  
  
"About me," Emily finished.  
  
"He shouldn't have uninvited you and locked you in your room, he had no right."  
  
"I agree," Emily said. She sighed a bit. "But he's your husband. You are going to be living with him and being married to him for the rest of your life. There's no use fighting over me, it's not worth it."  
  
Sue looked like she wanted to disagree, but she didn't know how. She knew Emily was right - it was in her best interest to avoid fighting with Austin. Emily was a subject they were likely always going to fight over.   
  
But Sue wasn't going to just let someone hurt Emily.  
  
"It smells good," Emily said after a few moments, letting the conversation go.  
  
"Does it?" Sue made a face. "I've made this recipe before but I swear it smells different this time."  
  
"That might be more on you than on the recipe."  
  
Sue rolled her eyes a bit. She moved the last of what she was chopping to the pot on the hearth.  
  
"Done," she said. "Now I only have to check it every once in a while, and I'm good."  
  
"In the meantime," Emily said, pulling something out from behind her back. "A gift."  
  
"You didn't have to get me anything."  
  
Emily watched as Sue opened the package.  
  
"I know I can't get you jewelry. I can't get you anything too flashy. I can't get you anything that's too obviously from me," she said, powering through the slight waver in her voice. "I remembered, when we met at school, you had that doll. And I called you Dollie," she laughed.  
  
"Yeah," Sue said, not looking at Emily at all but just at the package. "I lost it sometime after we left school, but my mother left it for me."  
  
"I found one like it in town over the weekend," Emily said, nodding toward the doll in Sue's hands. "Not exactly like it, I don't think, but close."  
  
"It's perfect," Sue said. The memories came flooding back, of stories of her mother, of her father, of playing with her siblings, of packing that doll in every bag she took to every school dorm and boardinghouse and relative's home until she lost it in transit one day when she was too old for dolls anyway.  
  
"I know that doll reminded you of home," Emily said. "And of your family. And this is home now."  
  
"And you're my family." She finally looked up at Emily, smiling through tears.  
  
"Oh, no. Don't cry! I didn't mean to make you cry! Oh, shit. I'm sorry."  
  
"It's okay," Sue said. "I'm not sad. I really love this, Emily. Thank you."  
  
Emily smiled. "You're welcome."  
  
"Come on, I'm going to put it upstairs."  
  
They went upstairs and she put it on her dressing table, right by the window she looked out of every morning to see her favorite tree.  
  
She figured, while she was there...  
  
"Can you help me out of this dress?" she asked.  
  
"Uh," Emily said. "Sure."  
  
"It's hot in here," she said. "And humid. I'll dress again for dinner, but for now..."  
  
"Yeah," Emily said, untying the back of her dress, then loosening her corset enough that Sue could get out of it. "Better?"  
  
"Better," Sue said, getting the offending articles of clothing off. "Do you want to take yours off? They're all wet from the walk over."  
  
"Yeah," Emily said, turning so Sue could release her from her clothes.  
  
Sue sat on the bed while Emily took her dress and corset off, and then Emily went to join her. Sue lied back.  
  
"Oh, damn," Emily said, catching sight of her.  
  
"What?"  
  
"You're really pregnant, dude."  
  
Sue laughed. "Yeah, you can't really tell when I have the corset on, but without it..."  
  
"You can really tell."  
  
"Hey."  
  
"I mean, it's just...wow. It's really in there."  
  
Sue laughed. "Sure is," she said, resting a hand on her small bump. It still felt so strange and new still.  
  
"Is it weird?" Emily asked, sitting next to her.  
  
"Very weird," Sue said. "I know it's me, but it also doesn't feel like part of me? It's like an alien, but I don't want it to go anywhere."  
  
"I'm really happy for you," Emily said. "You're going to be a really great mother. This kid is lucky."

Sue smiled. The only person she felt comfortable sharing this with like this was Emily. "I'm really happy you're here. This kid is lucky to have you, too."

"Oh, it'll definitely have me," Emily said. "I'm going to spoil this kid like you wouldn't believe. You think I got you a nice gift?" she guffawed. "I'm going to give your kid anything they want. It'll be a problem."  
  
Sue smiled a bit, and also saw how Emily was more staring at her stomach than looking at her face.  
  
"Do you want to touch it?"  
  
"Can I?" Emily asked, nervous and surprising herself.  
  
"Sure," Sue said. "It doesn't move yet, or anything, but you're right, it's definitely there." she took Emily's hand and put it on her bump.  
  
"Oh, wow," Emily said, a smile spreading on her face. "Oh, that's weird."  
  
"Isn't it?" Sue laughed.  
  
They stayed there like that for a few moments, Emily taking in this small wonder for the first time. She had seen Sue all sorts of ways before, and of course she's seen her a lot since she found out she was pregnant. But this was the first time Emily actually saw her look it. It was...a lot, taking in how much things were changing and going to change. It was good, though. She liked it, spending this time with Sue. She didn't think she'd get to have moments like this with her. She didn't feel jealous like she thought she might be. She felt happy. She felt, if she really let herself think about it, a part of it. This secret, this moment they shared, it was theirs.

Sue watched her, realizing that while there was so much she shared with Emily, there was a lot she didn't. A lot she couldn't. They hung out all the time but it was rare for either of them to get this undressed.   
  
She liked it, too. She liked feeling this comfortable around her, which she always had. She liked being able to be herself, to show everything, to someone. She liked these little moments between them, moments they knew neither of them had with anyone else, moments that they knew could never be replicated so had to be enjoyed in the moment.  
  
"You're not going to be able to hide this from Austin for much longer," Emily said quietly, letting (making?) the moment end so she didn't get too caught up in it.  
  
"I know," Sue replied, her hand still on Emily's on her stomach. "I'm going to tell him soon."  
  
"How does he not already know?" Emily asked. "Are you sleeping in a corset?"  
  
"Not exactly."  
  
Emily cocked an eyebrow at her.  
  
"I have my ways," Sue said. "But I do think he might suspect something. I'll tell him and act like I just figured it out. It's fine."

* * *

Sue and Austin didn't go to dinner at the Dickinson house that night but they did come over for drinks after. Austin had just landed his first ever client and he and his father worked through dinner, but they were home in time for drinks.  
  
It was a pretty quiet, standard affair. The conversation was mostly dominated by Austin and Mr. Dickinson, but everyone was proud of Austin.  
  
Even Emily.  
  
"Hey," Austin said, catching her in the hallway while Sue was still saying goodbyes to the rest of the family.  
  
"Hey. Congrats."  
  
"Thanks," Austin said. He could tell Emily was being civil with him just to avoid the drama of fighting in front of the whole family or killing the mood. Somehow her false civility felt more painful than if she had been outright angry with him. "Listen, I'm sorry."  
  
That facade broke for just a second. "For what?"  
  
"For before the wedding," Austin said. "It was my wedding, you should've been there." He cleared his throat a bit. "You're Sue's friend, we're the closest she has to family. You should've been there."  
  
"Apology accepted," Emily nodded. "Thanks."  
  
Sue stepped into the hall and saw them speaking. She quickly read the situation and smiled. She was proud of Austin for his work, but also in that moment more proud for this.  
  
She really wasn't sure he would apologize. She was relieved he did.  
  
She hugged Emily goodbye, letting her hands linger on the small of her back for a second long than necessary.  
  
Emily felt it and hoped Sue didn't feel her slight shiver. But when she pulled back, she saw the slight smirk on Sue's face.

* * *

"Who'd have thought that me marrying Austin would be the best thing to ever happen to us?"  
  
"What?" Emily asked, looking at Sue as they both knelt in Sue's garden, lovingly tending to the garden.  
  
"We have privacy," Sue said. "Austin's always at work and I can always think of an excuse to have you here. If I had known it would be like this I wouldn't have dreaded it so much."  
  
"Sue!"  
  
"What? It's a good arrangement. I needed a husband, I have one. Austin needed a wife, he has one."  
  
"Austin loves you."  
  
"Austin wanted me because I was the only girl who didn't want him."  
  
"Where is this coming from?"  
  
"I've had a lot of time to think, spending most of my time alone in this house," Sue said. "I've spent my whole life, as long as I can remember, making myself into someone that someone will marry. Who am I now?"  
  
"You're...Sue. You're Sue Gilbert. You're still you."  
  
"I'm Sue Gilbert Dickinson," Sue said, somewhat ruefully.  
  
Emily stopped pulling weeds. She looked at her, stunned to see her still working. "Sue. Are you not happy?"  
  
"I am," Sue said, leaning back on her heels and looking back at Emily. "That's the point, Emily. I am happy. I'm happy I get to have this time and this space with you. I'm happy to be married; that's literally all I've been trying to do since I was a little girl. I'm happy. I have everything I wanted."  
  
"So you're...good?"  
  
"I am," Sue said. "Are you?"  
  
"I still wish I could marry you," Emily said, driving her thumb into the dirt and not looking at Sue.  
  
"This is the closest we're going to get." She put her hand on Emily's on the ground. "And it's pretty close."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Again, the tags have been updated with trigger warnings! I talk about it in the chapter note at the beginning of this chapter. Safe reading!


	4. maybe one day we'll have a kid or two

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Check out the updated tags for trigger warnings! The applicable ones for this chapter are miscarriage and blood. Safe reading!

Emily was up late writing. She had felt inspired in the month Sue and Austin were away, sure. But she was feeling especially inspired now that they were back.  
  
She lost track of time. It was well into the night when she put the finishing touch on her poem, finally pleased with it.  
  
It was well into the night when, in a little fit of triumph, she knocked over her inkwell.  
  
"Oh, shit," she said, standing, trying to avoid getting ink on her nightgown.  
  
She cleaned it up quickly enough, but it completely exhausted her ink supply - the supply she'd been meaning to go into town and replenish for days.  
  
Her father had a full ink supply in his office, though. And he probably wouldn't miss one little pot.  
  
She tiptoed to her door, trying to remain quiet enough to avoid disturbing her family and to avoid any subsequent conversations with them.  
  
She stepped outside her door and simply from habit, shut it behind her. Something about that motion felt weird, though.  
  
She looked down. She was in her red dress.  
  
"Come on, man," she muttered. "I had a flow going."  
  


* * *

  
  
"I don't want to see you right now," she said, climbing in to the carriage parked outside the gate.  
  
"Finally you're getting it," Death said, tapping his cane to start the carriage moving. "But I'm not really here for you. I just thought I'd say hi while I was in the neighborhood."  
  
Emily felt the carriage jolt to a stop. It didn't usually jolt. Nor did it usually take such short rides.  
  
Death looked out the window.  
  
So, Emily did too.  
  
"No," she said, shaking her head. "Not Sue."  
  
"No, not Sue. She has many years left."  
  
"More than I do?"  
  
Death looked at her, intrigued that she would ask. "Yes."  
  
Emily nodded, almost smiled. But then she looked again at the house. "Austin?" She couldn't hide the slight fear in her voice, the one she tried to hide.  
  
"No."  
  
The relief Emily felt from that answer only lasted a second. It lasted just until the realization hit.  
  
"No," she said, almost begging.  
  
"It's already done," he said. "I stopped to get you on my way back."  
  
"No!" Emily yelled. "No! Undo it! Fix it, something!"  
  
"That's not how this works."  
  
"Fuck how this works, Sue doesn't deserve this."  
  
"Do you think I don't know what she's lost already?" Death asked, voice booming. "I don't get to choose. And if I don't get to choose, neither do you."  
  
"If you don't choose, who does? You said you take who you want!"  
  
"I told you, no one understands death."  
  
"So, what?" Emily asked. "You had to do this? You had to take this from her?!"  
  
"Yes. I did."  
  
"What's the point?!"  
  
"That's a dangerous question, Emily Dickinson."  
  
Emily had so much she wanted to say. She had so much she wanted to do. She wanted to scream, she wanted to punch something, she wanted to break something. She couldn't pick. Her mind was just racing.  
  
"Sue will be alright," Death said. "She will. She will have other children. She will have you. She will live a long, happy life. She won't die this day."  
  
Emily was still so worked up, she didn't know if she should thank him or yell at him.  
  
She nodded at him, knowing he'd understand. He did. She left the carriage.  
  
She ran down the walkway to Sue's door, dragging the hem of her nightgown through the mud.  
  
"Austin! Open the door!" she hollered, banging on the door. "Austin!"  
  
She could hear Austin thunder down the stairs and open the door. She could hear her heart pound in her ears.  
  
Then she saw him as he opened the door. He was pale, ghastly pale, and up to his elbows in blood - blood Emily knew wasn't his.  
  
"Emily? What are you doing here?" he asked, dazed. There was a faraway look in his eyes.  
  
Emily didn't know what exactly she was walking into. This already was too much and she knew it was going to get much, much worse.  
  
"Austin," she breathed, instantly frozen where she stood. She'd never seen him in such a state. She snapped out of it and stepped inside, shutting the door behind her. Austin held his hands up, like he was aware that they were covered in blood and he shouldn't touch anything, but that was as far as he could get. "Austin, what the hell happened?"  
  
"What are you doing here?" he asked again. "What's going on?"  
  
"I was up, I saw the light in the window, I thought I'd see that you were alright," she said.  
  
"Sue's not alright," he said, shaking his head. That broke something in him. Tears were starting to well up in his eyes and they were starting to fall. "She's not alright, Emily. She-she woke up and she was screaming and she was in pain and there was blood-god, there was blood. There was blood, Emily-."  
  
"Austin," Emily said, trying to see him through the tears in her own eyes. "What happened? Where is she?"  
  
"She was pregnant," he said, something about it was otherworldly to him. "She said she didn't know for sure and then she woke up today and the blood, Emily..."

  
Emily stared at him. This was all too much, it was all too real. Things with her and Austin weren't especially great but he was still the person who had his shit together. And he most certainly did not have his shit together. And she couldn't blame him for that, and she also wasn't sure she could help him.  
  
"Where is she?" she asked again.  
  
"Up-upstairs," Austin said, pointing a bit. The action made him look at his hands and that made him dry heave.  
  
"Go wash up," she said. "Go. I'll take care of her. She's going to be fine."  
  
"No, I can go, I'm good-."  
  
"It's okay," Emily said. "Take a second, wash up. Alright?" She took him by the shoulders and pushed him in a direction that wasn't the stairs, so he'd actually go wash up.  
  
"I-I can get water," he said, nodding, thinking of a way to be of use. He'd tried upstairs to and nothing he did seemed to make anything better.  
  
"Yes," Emily said, squeezing his shoulder. "Get water. Wake up Maggie if you need to, she can help and she won't tell anyone in the house."  
  
"Should I go get a physician?"  
  
"It's the middle of the night, he might not even come," Emily, keeping to herself that there wasn't anything he could do, anyway. "Get him in the morning. We can be what Sue needs now."  
  
Austin nodded, grabbing his coat from the hook like he was still in a daze.  
  
Emily steeled herself and went upstairs.

* * *

"Sue? It's me," Emily said when she made it to her door. She'd heard Sue's crying get louder and louder as she neared the room, which was a unique form of torture. She knew whatever she was walking into would be worse.  
  
"Emily?"  
  
Emily took that as permission to enter. She took a breath and opened the door in one swift movement.  
  
She found Sue curled up on her bed, looking so...small. She was literally curled up, on her side, facing away from the rest of the bed.  
  
Emily could see the rest of the bed, though. She could see the blood on the sheets, on Sue's legs, on her hands.  
  
She almost threw up.  
  
Instead, she quickly crossed the room and knelt in front of Sue.  
  
"It's okay," she said, trying to smile gently as she pushed Sue's hair out of her face. It was wet with sweat. "It's okay, Sue, it's okay."   
  
She desperately wanted to think of something else to say, but she couldn't. She prided herself a wordsmith but couldn't think of a damn thing to say in that moment, and she never hated herself more.  
  
"It's not," Sue said, shaking her head. Emily could see the sweat glistening on her face in the candlelight, almost shining on her skin that was the palest Emily had ever seen it. "It's not okay, Emily."  
  
"It will be," Emily said, brushing her hair back and kissing her forehead. Before she knew it, Sue's arms were around her, clutching her, pulling her closer to her. Emily's body, weirdly contorted as she half-knelt in front of Sue and found herself pressed to her in an unnatural position, muffled the sounds of Sue's sobs.  
  
Emily had never seen her like this. She'd never actually been around Sue when someone in her family died. She knew this was different, but still. Sue was never one for raw, unfiltered emotion. Seeing Sue so completely break down like this was just as horrifying as the rest of it.  
  
Emily had truly no idea what the hell to do. She knew she couldn't move from Sue, not just because Sue held her so tightly that she wouldn't be able to if she tried.  
  
Emily did maneuver herself a bit, so she could reach Sue well enough to wrap her arms around her, to hold her up a bit and let her put more of her weight on Emily. She felt like dead weight in Emily's arms, like she was completely exhausted.  
  
Emily found herself sitting on the edge of Sue's bed. Sitting in her blood.  
  
She held her like that for a while. She heard Austin come back with water and knew it had been a while.  
  
"It's okay, shhh," she said, brushing her hair back and kissing her forehead and letting her squeeze her as tightly as she needed to, anything to help her stop crying to terrifyingly hard. "I'm so sorry, Sue. It'll be okay. You're going to be fine."  
  
Emily spoke quietly, softly; she felt incapable of speaking above a whisper.  
  
Austin did finally come in with a pail of water. He froze in the doorway. Emily knew the scene was almost too much to take in; she couldn't imagine walking out of it and having to come back in.  
  
"There's water heating up downstairs," he said.  
  
Emily nodded, moving her head away from Sue's and feeling her heart break when she clutched her tighter in response. Emily ran her hand gently up and down Sue's back.  
  
"Get her a change of clothes," Emily instructed Austin. He sprang into action. "Anything she can wear easily. A nightgown, something warm."  
  
Austin was yanking drawers open, rifling through them, desperate to do something helpful.  
  
Emily looked back down at Sue and again spoke softly.  
  
"Austin's going to get you cleaned up, okay?" Emily said. "He has new clothes, he's going to take care of you, okay?"  
  
Sue nodded. Her crying was finally slowing.  
  
"Alright, let's stand up. Can you do that?"  
  
Emily stood first, helping Sue stand. Austin rushed to her side.  
  
"I'll carry you," he said, handing the clothes to Emily. She nodded and took them, and he took Sue in his arms and took her to the washroom.  
  
He set her down in the tub.  
  
"I'll get hot water," Emily said.  
  
She practically ran downstairs, not giving herself a second to think or feel. She got the water pail from where it was beside the fire and brought it up to Austin, who met her in the doorway.  
  
"I'll clean up the bed," Emily said.  
  
Austin's eyes got wide. "Emily, you don't have to..."  
  
"You shouldn't," she said. "And it has to be done, the sooner the better."  
  
"Thank you," he said, meaning it sincerely.  
  
She nodded.  
  
Then she set about her task.  
  


* * *

With the bed empty it looked worse, and it was already very, very bad. There was the blood, and it told a story, a story she didn't want to know, let alone imagine. Had Sue woken up to it? Or had she woken up, and then it happened? She must've been so scared. She must've been in so much pain - when Emily held her, Sue mumbled something about the pain going away.   
  
She mumbled a lot things, and Emily didn't understand most of them. But she acted like she did, nodding along and assuring her that there was plenty of time later to talk about it, that she was going to be okay. She was going to be okay.  
  
With one last very shaky breath, Emily broke herself from her statuesque frozenness and sprung into action. She went to strip the sheets from the bed, starting with the top one. That one wasn't too badly stained; she could probably save it. She remembered her tenth birthday, when her mother taught her to remove blood from bedsheets and mattresses, lest her future husband see it and be reminded what happens in her body.  
  
Then she went for the next sheet, the one covering the mattress. She'd never talk about what she saw, about how she had to run to the window and nearly put her whole upper body outside of it in order to get enough air to stop herself from throwing up, how she let the chilled night air sting her eyes because it was better than seeing inside the room. She'd never talk about the sight of it, she'd never write about the horror she felt, the pain that consumed her, the feeling of a pit in her stomach that could just swallow her whole, standing over that bed and seeing what Sue lost.  
  
She took care of it, finding a box and wrapping it in the sheet as carefully as she could with her hands so shaky she thought they'd never still.  
  
She stripped the last sheets and jumped right back in to work, applying the stain treatment solution, her mother's recipe, to the mattress. If she blinked enough, she could sort of see clearly. She let her hands quiver and told herself she was just really rubbing the stain out. She told herself that chill up her spine was from the open window, that the racing of her heart and the sweat on her neck was just from the lack of sleep.  
  
The treatments needed time to work. She could hear Austin in the guest room, the only other room with a bed, but didn't hear him go over there.  
  
She went across the hall to him. She remembered that bed. She knew she'd never get this memory out of her head.  
  
She stood in the doorway and nodded to her brother. He was sitting with Sue, but she looked exhausted, even half-asleep.  
  
"Get some sleep, alright?" he said, kissing her forehead then extricating himself from her side. She didn't fight it. She let herself recline further back, still looking very much unwell but in better shape than she was in when Emily arrived.  
  
Austin met Emily at the door and stepped outside with her, closing the door but not entirely.  
  
"The bed's going to need some time," Emily said. "It should be okay tomorrow, I have to rinse it out in an hour then let it dry."  
  
Austin nodded. Neither of them could really look each other in the eye, but he could see Emily's shaking hands. She had them clasped in front of her, but they still shook.  
  
"Thank you, Emily."  
  
"I saw it," she blurted, not knowing how to tell him but knowing she had to. "I wrapped it, I found a box. I don't know if you want to...I don't know what you want to do."  
  
"With the...?" Austin wouldn't let himself say it either, so Emily nodded. Austin ran both hands through his hair, hard, pulling his scalp to the extent that his eyes widened considerably.  
  
"I'm sorry, Austin." Emily put a hand on his arm.  
  
He put his hand over hers.  
  
"She's asleep," Austin said. "And I have no idea what to do."  
  
"I don't know either," Emily admitted. "She's okay, though. She's going to be okay."  
  
"She was so scared of this."  
  
Emily nodded. She knew that.  
  
"And I can't stop seeing..." Austin said through gritted teeth, again almost clawing at his hair, eyes clouded.  
  
"It's okay," Emily said again, wrapping her arms around him. He let himself put his head on her shoulder, let her hold him as cried, his body shaking with the effort to keep it quiet.  
  
That went on for a while, and then Austin stood up.  
  
"Thank you, Emily."  
  
Emily nodded, again at a loss for words.  
  
Austin returned to the room Sue was in, and Emily went back to their bedroom. It was time to rinse off the solution.

* * *

It worked. The bed looked good as new. The sheets looked alright, as well, to her surprise. She went outside to hang them and saw the beginnings of the sunrise.  
  
She came back in and found Austin asleep at Sue's bedside.  
  
"Hey," she said, gently shaking him.  
  
"Hey," he said jolting upright. "Is everything okay?"  
  
"Yeah," Emily said.   
  
Austin stood and they went to the hall.  
  
"The sheets are drying, the bed's drying. They look okay."  
  
Austin nodded. "Okay. Good."  
  
"How are you?"  
  
"I knew something was up with her," Austin said, shaking his head. "I knew it! I had a feeling it could be this but she said she was only starting to think about wanting children and maybe she really didn't want them after all so I didn't assume-."  
  
"A lot of people get this far and don't know."  
  
"If I had said something, though, when I suspected..."  
  
"This is not your fault," Emily said. Austin looked at her like he didn't believe her. "It's not. And it's not hers. This just happens sometimes."  
  
"It just happens?"  
  
"Yes, Austin, it does," Emily said. "And it's awful, but there's nothing we can do about it."  
  
"How is she going to be okay after this?" Austin asked. "She's been through so much. She's lost so much."  
  
"She will be," Emily said. "And you will be."  
  
Austin stopped pacing and walked right to his sister.   
  
Emily let herself pull him into a hug.  
  
They stood like that for a while, her just holding him while he tried to stop crying.  
  
Eventually, he did.  
  
"The sun's up," Emily said. "Do you want to go get a physician? I can sit with her."  
  
"I don't want to leave her," Austin said.  
  
"I'll be here, it's okay," Emily said. "She won't be alone. It's better if you go get the physician.

* * *

Emily sat with her. Sue was still sleeping, thankfully.  
  
So Emily sat there, at her side, not looking away from her, taking solace in the steady, rhythmic rise and fall of Sue's chest. She made her own breathing match it and that was all she could focus on.  
  
Then, Sue woke up.  
  
She looked around, confused about where she was, then her memories of the previous night came flooding back in. All of the memories.  
  
"Hey," Emily said, sliding her chair right up next to her. "Hey, Sue, it's okay. I'm here."  
  
Sue did look the smallest bit relieved to see Emily. She moved her hand out from under her pillow and Emily swiftly took it.  
  
"How are you?" Emily asked.  
  
Sue shook her head. She didn't even know what to say. She didn't have the words for any of this.  
  
"Right," Emily said. "Sorry." Emily took a deep breath. She didn't have the words, either. "Can I get you anything?"  
  
"No, don't go," Sue said.  
  
"Okay," Emily replied quickly. She leaned down and kissed Sue's hand. "I'm not going anywhere."  
  
"Where's Austin?" Sue asked, wiping the tear from her cheek. She spoke so quietly, so softly, it broke Emily's heart.  
  
"It's morning. He went to get a doctor."  
  
"No, your family will notice a doctor coming first thing in the morning," Sue said quickly. "They'll know something happened, I don't want them to know-."  
  
"They won't," Emily said. "We'll make something up. The doctor won't tell anyone, I'll make sure of it. I'll pay him extra, I'll do whatever."  
  
Sue nodded. They stayed like that for a few moments. Sue was still breathing in that eerily rhythmic pattern, but it was shaky.  
  
"I think it's over," she said. "It doesn't hurt like it did last night."  
  
Emily clenched her jaw, hard, fighting the image that popped into her head. "That's good," she said. "And I'm sure the doctor can give you something to help."  
  
"I wanted it to be yours," Sue admitted, so quietly that Emily almost didn't hear her. "I thought of it as ours."  
  
"I know," Emily settled on, knowing that, despite how true it was, it was not helpful to say that she thought of it the same way. She moved her other hand, now holding Sue's hand with both of her own. "You're going to be fine, Sue. I promise, you're going to be okay. It's going to be okay."  
  
"Did you see your friend tonight? Death?"  
  
Again, Emily took a moment. Sue was the only one who believed her when she said she regularly met with Death.  
  
"Yeah."  
  
"And he told you that? That I'll be fine?"  
  
"Yes," Emily nodded. "And that you'll live a long, happy life. You'll have a family, you'll be okay. You'll be great, Sue."  
  
A few more tears fell on Sue's cheeks. "My family has to be Austin's," she said with such sadness but also finality.  
  
Emily nodded. She understood. She didn't regret anything they'd done in the past weeks and she knew Sue didn't either.  
  
But they also knew that this was a dream. It was real, it was so real to them. But it couldn't be real, not actually, not in the world they lived in.  
  
"Okay," Emily said. She smiled, hoping that would reach Sue better than the tears on her cheeks. "And I'm still going to spoil the hell out of your future kids. I'll be the cool aunt who lives next door and they are going to be so, so lucky to have you."  
  
Sue smiled a bit, too. "Could you get me some water?" she asked, feeling well enough to sit up a bit.  
  
"Of course."  
  
Emily went downstairs and found Austin and the doctor just coming in the doorway.  
  
"Sue wanted water," she offered.  
  
"I'll take it to her," Austin said, taking the cup. "Thank you, Emily."  
  
Emily nodded, taking the cue. Austin nodded at her then turned to the doctor.  
  
"She's upstairs," he said, and led him there.  
  
They went up, leaving Emily alone.  
  
She left the house and turned the corner, the one that led away from her own house. She sat on the ground and cried, finally letting herself really feel what had been building all night.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This got pretty dark. The next chapter will be less dark. 
> 
> When reading up about the real Sue Gilbert, I saw she got married in 1856 and had her first child in 1861. The show does play a little fast and loose with timelines so who knows if they'll actually do something like this. But yeah that put this sad idea in my head and now here we are.


	5. our story will be told

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Please check the trigger warnings in the tags! The ones applicable to this chapter are mention of miscarriage and violence. The violence is Mr. Dickinson hits Austin. It's not included in the story, but the aftermath is. Safe reading!

By the time Emily went home, other people were awake. Maggie was setting the table for breakfast. Mr. Dickinson was sitting at the table, reading the paper.  
  
"Where were you?" he asked, barely looking over the top of the page.  
  
"Getting some air," Emily said quietly. All the exhaustion that had been building finally hit her. "I couldn't sleep."   
  
All she wanted was to go to bed.  
  
Mrs. Dickinson stepped in to the room. "Have you two been awake long? I was up early and saw Dr. Miller go in next door."  
  
"A doctor?" Mr. Dickinson asked. "For what?"  
  
"Maybe he's one of Austin's clients," Emily said.  
  
"Maybe I should go over there and check on them..." Mrs. Dickinson said.  
  
"No," Emily said quickly. "I mean, Austin's an adult. He's a grown man. Whatever goes on in his house is his business."  
  
Mrs. Dickinson looked surprised by the rebuttal, but Mr. Dickinson just turned the page on his paper.  
  
"Good for Austin," he said. "I've been telling him to commit more to work. Clients like a lawyer who keeps a good home."  
  
"I'm going upstairs," Emily said.  
  
"Emily, Maggie is putting out breakfast."  
  
"I'm not hungry, Mom."

* * *

Emily did stay upstairs for a while. She didn't sleep, though. She curled up under the sheets, she shut her eyes, she drew the curtains so it would be as dark as possible.  
  
But she didn't sleep.  
  
She didn't know how long she laid there. She did feel a bit better when she finally got up, though.  
  
She went downstairs, relieved that her mother and Lavinia had found things to occupy themselves.  
  
She didn't know what to do. She didn't think it was her place to go next door, no matter how badly she wanted to be there.   
  
There was another part of her, though, that was so relieved that she wasn't there. She still didn't know what to do. She had so much grief and pain and hurt to work through that she was grateful for the space.  
  
Then, she hated the space. She hated that she could remove herself from it and Sue couldn't. Austin couldn't, either. And she hated that she couldn't be there. She didn't want to face this but she wanted to be with Sue.  
  
She took a walk, mentally setting a deadline for when she thought it would be appropriate to go over. She knew Austin was there, he'd told her last night that he wasn't going in to work. She knew he had to work through this, that this was his loss, too.  
  
She knew they needed space on this. She knew that Sue needed time with Austin on this.  
  
So, she set her little mental deadline for her return. She knew eventually she'd be back in that house and that she had all the time until then to get a handle on it, so she can be what Sue needs.  
  
She walked around for hours. It was September and it was starting to get cold. She should've brought a sweater.

She headed back to the house a few hours later. She walked past Sue's house, still in the woods but she could see the house from where she was.  
  
She saw her father storming out the front door and she caught a glimpse of Austin gently shutting it behind him.

* * *

"What the hell was he thinking?!" Mr. Dickinson boomed. Emily could hear him from the porch. She entered her house and saw him in the dining room, ranting to Mrs. Dickinson and Lavinia. "Missing work?!"  
  
"It must've been serious, if he missed work," Mrs. Dickinson said. "His wife is sick."  
  
"I don't care who it is, a first year lawyer doesn't miss work!" He slammed his hand on the table for emphasis.  
  
"Sue's sick?" Emily asked.  
  
"Where have you been all day?" her mother asked. "Yes, Sue is sick. I knew I saw the doctor there this morning.  
  
"Is she okay?"  
  
"She'll be fine," Mr. Dickinson said.  
  
"Austin isn't letting anyone over," Lavinia supplied. "He said she's not up for company."

"He couldn't leave her there alone," Emily said, looking straight at her father.  
  
"He could hire someone, I pay him well enough." He sat down finally. "Sit, Emily. Eat your dinner. Enough of this."  
  
Emily sat and realized she hadn't eaten since the day before. Mr. Dickinson didn't speak much after that. She ate her dinner silently, nodding along as Lavinia told them about some new trick she taught her cat.

* * *

The next day, Emily decided she'd try to go over. She woke up later than usual, grateful no one had woken her up. She still felt bone tired when she woke up, but a bit better.  
  
She headed downstairs, straight to the kitchen.  
  
"Ah, you missed breakfast, dearie," Maggie said.  
  
"Yeah, I was really tired."  
  
"I hope you haven't caught what Mrs. Sue has."  
  
"No," Emily said, sitting on the stool by the counter. "I haven't."  
  
"I saved you some," Maggie said, taking a towel off a plate and sliding it toward Emily. "I also made some extra to bring next door."  
  
"I can take it."  
  
Maggie nodded and smiled a bit. She'd expected that response. "Eat your breakfast first, Emily."

* * *

Austin answered the door.  
  
"Maggie made food," Emily said, holding up the basket.  
  
Austin stepped aside and Emily entered. In the full light of the hall she finally saw Austin's face.  
  
"Oh my god, Austin..."  
  
He had a black eye.  
  
"It's not as bad as it looks," he said. "It's fine."  
  
"What happened?" Emily reflexively reached up, like she could do something to make it better.  
  
"Dad wasn't happy I didn't go to work yesterday," he said. "He said first year lawyers in his practice don't have sick wives. They have jobs."  
  
Emily inhaled deeply. When her father hit her, she didn't think he was holding back. Austin's eye told a different story.  
  
"Are you going in today?"  
  
"No," he said. He sighed a bit. "But I'll have to go in tomorrow."  
  
"Do you have ice?"  
  
"It's fine, Emily," Austin said. "I told Sue I tripped, but she heard him come over yesterday."  
  
"How is she?"  
  
"She's upstairs," Austin said.  
  
Emily handed the basket to him. "Eat something, okay? Get some sleep, too. I'll stay with her."

”Thank you for all of this, Emily. Really.”

Emily nodded.

”Hey,” Austin continued. “Sue and I talked about it, we’re not going to tell anyone about this. Sue doesn’t want to and I think that’s a good idea. I know Mom and Dad...wouldn’t take it well.”

Emily nodded. She had figured as much, but it still hurt to see Austin admit what they both knew was true - he couldn’t go to his own parents for help with this.

”I won’t say anything to anyone,” Emily promised. “But you should talk to someone, Austin.”

”Emily, I’m okay-.”

”I know you’re okay. You’re always okay,” she said. Nothing ever really seemed to faze him, he always seemed to just get on with it. Emily didn’t know how he did it, but she knew this was something he shouldn’t try to deal with on his own. “Talking to someone will help.”

”I’ve talked about it with Sue, a little,” he said. “She doesn’t really want to talk about it and I am not going to push it.”

”Then talk to someone else. I’m not saying it has to be me, but someone. Sue will understand.”

Austin nodded. He took a few steps back. “I’m going to get some sleep while you’re here.”

”Yeah, get some rest.”

* * *

Sue was back in her own bed when Emily went up there. She looked better, too.  
  
She smiled when Emily walked in. There was more color on her face, her hair was dry and clean. She'd changed her clothes.  
  
"Emily."  
  
"I brought food," Emily said. "Don't worry, Maggie made it."  
  
"I'm good," Sue said. "Sit with me?"  
  
She nodded toward the chair next to the bed.  
  
"How are you feeling?" Emily asked.  
  
"Better," Sue said. “The doctor said I’ll be fine, I just need to rest for a while.” After a moment it was clear that was all she was going to say.  
  
Emily looked at her, taking in the sight, glad to finally be able to see her and to see her looking better. The image of the last time she'd seen her was burned in Emily's memories. It was nice to have new ones.  
  
"Thank you for everything the other night," Sue said.  
  
"Don't even worry about it," Emily said. Her hands were folded in her lap and she picked at her nails. "Do you want to talk about it?"  
  
"No," Sue said simply. "Do you?"  
  
Yes. "No."  
  
"You can, it's okay."  
  
"I'm really sorry this happened to you," Emily said. "I'm really sorry, Sue."  
  
Sue nodded. "Yeah. Me too."  
  
"So," Emily said, accepting that that would be all the spoke of it. "You're sick?"  
  
"Oh, very," Sue said. "Austin took care of it, he said he thinks he can keep your mother away for two, maybe three days."  
  
"Oh, wow," Emily said. "That's a long time for her."  
  
Sue laughed a bit, nodding. "Yeah, he's taken good care of me."  
  
They sat there in silence for a little while, enjoying the simple comfort of each other's company.  
  
"He buried it," Sue said, stating the fact. "Austin buried it yesterday on the other side of the house."  
  
"Have you been out there?"  
  
"No," Sue said, shaking her head. "I don't - I don't feel well enough for that."  
  
"Okay," Emily said. "I can go with you, if you want."  
  
Sue nodded. "Maybe tomorrow."  
  
They stayed like that for a while. In addition to bringing breakfast, Emily also brought books, paper, ink (pilfered from her father's supply again, with a grin), anything Sue could need or want while she was recovering.

* * *

The next day, Emily came over to Sue's. Austin was at work, but he didn't leave until Emily came over. He didn't want Sue to be alone.  
  
Emily helped Sue down the stairs. She looked better, she felt better, but she was still pretty weak. It took a while to get down the stairs.  
  
"We can sit down here for a little while before we go," Emily said. "There's no rush."  
  
"No, let's go," Sue said.  
  
So, Emily helped her outside. Her heart was pounding, half from the exertion of physically supporting Sue but also from the intensity of it all.  
  
They found the little spot. Austin didn't mark it specifically, but there were some flowers that he put there.  
  
"Those are nice," Emily said.   
  
Sue nodded. She didn't speak.  
  
"I got you something," Emily said. She made sure Sue was okay standing, then went over to the side of the house where she left her present.  
  
Sue almost laughed, at the sight of Emily Dickinson walking toward her with a rooted tree.  
  
"I thought you might want something there," she said. "I can plant it here. Or anywhere, really. It'll help the flowers grow better, too."  
  
Sue nodded, smiling a bit. "It's perfect."

* * *

Sue spent most of her time in bed, sleeping and reading and writing for the next few days. She was getting better. She was better with the stairs, she appreciated the food but she was cooking for herself on her brief sojourns out of bed.  
  
So when Emily showed up, she expected Sue to be in bed. She didn't expect her to have company.  
  
"Lavinia," she said. "Hello. I didn't know you were here."  
  
Lavinia looked up briefly from her easel. "Don't block Sue's light."  
  
Emily dutifully stepped to the side.  
  
"Lavinia thinks I'm dying so she's making a portrait of me."  
  
"You're not dying."  
  
"She's not dying," Lavinia said at the same time. "But I've been meaning to do a portrait of someone else, and Sue's the only one who will sit still for long enough."  
  
"How are you feeling?" Emily asked.  
  
"I'm feeling alright," Sue said. "I think tomorrow I'll go for a walk."  
  
"That's great," Emily grinned. She knew Sue had been up and around the house, but getting out of the house was a whole new milestone, as was having other people over. She crossed the room to look over Lavinia's shoulder.  
  
"No peeking!"  
  
"Wow," Emily said, truly impressed. "That's really good."  
  
"Really?"  
  
"Yeah, Lavinia. It looks professional."  
  
"Hm," Lavinia hummed, immensely proud of herself. "Okay, for real, though, no peeking. Go away."  
  
"Do you need anything?" Emily asked, meaning Sue.  
  
"For you to go away," Lavinia answered.  
  
Sue laughed. "No, we're good. Come back after dinner though? With a new book?"  
  
"Sure," Emily said, bowing out of the room and leaving them to it.

* * *

"Emily, finally, you're awake," Mrs. Dickinson said as Emily walked in for breakfast the next morning. "You have a letter."  
  
"I do?" she asked. "From who?"  
  
"Your sister-in-law."  
  
Emily took the letter.  
  
"She must be really ill if she is writing you from next door," Mrs. Dickinson said. "Maybe I should go see her."  
  
"She's alright," Emily said, carefully but hastily ripping the envelope open and reading the letter. "I brought her paper and ink to keep her occupied while she recovered, she's just had a lot of time to write letters lately."  
  
"I'm glad she's doing better," Mrs. Dickinson said. "I can't imagine what state her home is in, if she's been laid up in bed all week."  
  
"I'm going out," Emily said, already heading back upstairs.

* * *

"Check you out," Emily said, walking into the orchard and seeing Sue there. "Out and about."  
  
"I think this is my favorite place in the whole world," Sue said.  
  
"Mine, too."  
  
"I think I do want to see the world," Sue said. "One day. Not as part of a honeymoon, not to make the rounds seeing family and Austin's old school chums and all that. I just want to see it. I want to be a part of it all."  
  
"You are," Emily said. She joined Sue under the tree. "Sometimes I feel like I'll never leave Amherst."  
  
"Do you want to?"  
  
"I don't know," Emily said. "I don't think so, actually. I'm happy here now."  
  
Sue inhaled deeply. "I am, too."  
  
Emily held her hand. "I'm glad you came out."  
  
"I'm feeling a lot better," Sue said. "I'm ready to live the rest of my life, you know?"  
  
"Your long, beautiful life."  
  
"My life is beautiful because you're in it."  
  
"Your life is beautiful because _you're_ in it," Emily replied. "You, Sue Gilbert, deserve a fantastic life. And I promise you'll have one."  
  
Without either of them really noticing, they were standing very close, almost against each other.  
  
Then they both very suddenly noticed.   
  
They looked each in the eyes. After everything they'd been through, after everything that had happened, after all of it - they had each other. They had each other there in the orchard, they had each other forever.  
  
Sue rushed in, kissing Emily hard, wrapping her arms around her and pulling her even closer.  
  
Emily held her face so gently, with so much love. She didn't know what the future would be. She had no idea - she knew she had years, she knew Sue had years, she knew there would be kids and there would be Austin and there would always be poetry.  
  
"I brought you some poems," Emily managed to say, pulling back.  
  
"I'm sure you did," Sue replied, with a little smirk that about killed Emily.  
  
"If no one ever reads them, I'll always be happy that you did."  
  
"People will read them," Sue said. "I will not be the only one who loves your work, Emily Dickinson."  
  
They were still standing close, Sue with her arms around Emily and her head on her chest.  
  
"Have you been writing?"  
  
"A lot, actually." Sue nodded, straightening her dress a bit. "Is this were you got the tree from?"  
  
Emily pointed to a spot a few yards from where they stood. "Yeah, from over there."  
  
Sue looked over there for a few moments longer.  
  
"You inspire me, do you know that?"  
  
"No," Emily laughed at the idea. "How?"  
  
"You just write everything you feel so beautifully."  
  
"It helps," Emily said, shrugging a bit.  
  
"Even your letters to me, they're so...masterfully crafted. You make me feel loved even if you're miles away."  
  
"Or next door?"  
  
Sue gave her a look, but she was still grinning.  
  
Emily laughed. "Maybe people will read those one day."  
  
Now Sue laughed. "Hopefully we're gone before then."  
  
"No, I hope the whole world knows," Emily said. "I hope the whole world knows how incredible you are."  
  
"I don't need the whole world," Sue said quietly into her chest. "I love that you think that."  
  
They stood like that for a while, neither of them keeping track of time. This orchard, this place, was always going to be theirs - something they shared, something no one else could claim. Their poems may be read, their letters may be altered, but this - this was theirs. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thus ends our tale. This is my first writing about this show and I enjoyed my time with it. Thanks for reading! Please leave a comment and let me know what you think!


End file.
